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32 STILL LIFE.
Note: This text has been automatically extracted via Optical Character Recognition (OCR) software. The text has not been manually corrected and should not be relied on to be an accurate representation of the item.
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Note: This text has been automatically extracted via Optical Character Recognition (OCR) software. The text has not been manually corrected and should not be relied on to be an accurate representation of the item.
Additionally, when viewing full transcripts, extracted text may not be in the same order as the original document.
The The General Village Rule Of Upp , It...
a foolish thought I argued , as I tossed , and turned , and twisted , and buried my head under the clothesin the vain hope of burying my
, troubles at the same time . But _SLich suggestions -were not , alas , to be dismissed so summarily ; and many hours of that night , and not
of that night only , were spent in the vain hope of solving * the problem . I know not now to what conclusions I came then , or
after what fashion I staunched these first wounds of the tempter , but I do know I clung with the desperation of despair to the
remembrance of my mother ' s death , albeit it "was like embracing a cross and presenting one ' s self afresh to the scourgers .
How lonely and how lingering were the hours . " Would to God that it "were morning , " was the cry of my heart if not the words of
my mouth . " "Watchman , what of the night ? _" said I , " Watchman , what of the night ? " But no answer was vouchsafed to my
inquiry , and save the loud beating' of my heart , which , reproached me for the impiety of my desire as I lay and longed to dare to wish
that I might die , no sound fell upon my listening ear . Morning came , calm , sunny , and fresh , the wind blew out of the
west , the white clouds went lazily sailing across the heavens , the young birds once again chirped from their nests , the roses clustered
across and covered the walls , the lilies bent their bursting blossoms over the old lavender bushes , and the old duties came one
after the other like so many humble but inexorable pensioners for _^ their allotted portions ; six o ' clock introduced oneseven another
, , nine o ' clock brought two , and so on till night ended the scene . I _long-ed , absolutely longed for a change , any change ; I wanted fresh
ideas , a new face ; even a new duty would have been hailed with delight .
Five more years passed , a miniature eternity of quiet outward submission , but of inward tumult and rebellion . Still no change !
and like some mendicant pilgrim too proud to confess his poverty and too weak to bear privation without intense suffering " , I crossed
and recrossed this Sahara of my life , oppressed with many doubts and burdened with many difficulties .
I would say to myself sometimes , " Well , you will live _liere all the days of your life ! be reconciled , be calm , be still , it is all ordered
and sure , it is He who hath _sjDoken and Himself hath done it ; " so I was patient and heroic for a while , but by and by the old question
would come bubbling up more furiously than ever . The sight of . a young child , but above all of a young mother , would always bring
tears to my eyes ; it was clear that for me were the melancholy words spoken , " Write this one childless all the days of her life . " Ah ! that
all was indeed a dreary word . When my father died , ( you . see I anticipated my sorrow , ) yes , when he was gone , how utterly alone I
should be , the last state would indeed be worse than the first , but then I consoled myself . "It was good to be childlessyeswas it
not a great , a tremendous responsibility to be a mother , ? What , if
any , if one , of these little ones should turn aside from the good old
32 Still Life.
32 STILL LIFE .
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Citation
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English Woman’s Journal (1858-1864), March 1, 1859, page 32, in the Nineteenth-Century Serials Edition (2008; 2018) ncse.ac.uk/periodicals/ewj/issues/ewj_01031859/page/32/
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