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My convictions I hope are " pretty frequent , but all very transient , and I much fear that Christ is not formed in my soul . G that I might be made a willing subject in the day of his power ! O that he would receive me into the number of his elect !' Again , in another paper to which the same date must be affixed , he says : —
6 I hope I have had some pretty deep convections tKiiTmonth ; but I fear . I have too often resisted the Holy Spirit . Sometimes I have been ready to hope , yea , am almost confident , that I have the favour of God , and that he is my friend . At other times I am just ready to fall into despair , and I cannot tell how it is I do not . My chief
difficulties are concerning foreknowledge and election . I am ready to fear that God has " not el&eted me , and that I am irrevocably doomed to everlasting misery . These thoughts make me sometimes so ( unhappy ) that I can scarcely endure myself . My life is a burden to me , and I am almost ready to blaspheme the God of Heaven . But Jesus knows the way I take , and I hope will pity me . '
Early in the year 1767 , he solemnly dedicated himself to God , in the manner recommended by Dr . Doddridge in his Rise and Progress of Religion in-the Soul . ' In a paper carefully preserved by him , he says , ' On Saturday , the 28 th of February , 1767 , after much deliberation , and many doubts and fearsj I at length ,, by God ' s assistance , determined , " that whatever others did , I would serve the Lord : " and I
hope that I did , in the sincerity and uprightness of my heart , devote myself to the Lord in an everlasting covenant , never to be forgotten . I had frequently thought of it before ; but I was afraid I should not do it with sincerity ; and I was under great apprehensions of the wrath of God , if I should fail in the least instance , after I had made the covenant . But adored k be the mercy of a kind and gracious God , that I Was enabled at length to break through every obstacle , and that Satan was no longer suffered to keep rae back . '
Our space will not allow us to quote much that is full of deep interest , expressions of gratitude for innumerable mercies amid all his doubts and agonies , indications of a deep seated love of truth , and determination to follow it ' s , leadings , which occur about this period , the very threshold of his public , laborious , and useful career ; we must hasten on to another important stage in Mr . Belsham's life , his settlement as Pastor of a Dissenting Congregation at Worcester . This took place in July , 1778 ; and it will be seen , that the same doubts and fears still pursued him .
• Monday , Jan . 4 . 1799 . —In conformity to the advice I gave my people yesterday from these words , Jer . 1 . 5 . " Come and let us join ourselves to the Lord in a perpetual covenant , that shall not be forgotten , " I set apart this morning for a serious recollection of the past year , and a : solemn ' renewed dedication of myself to God , through Jesus Christ . ¦• I began with asking the Divine blessing , I then read a few chapters , and recollected the events , mercies , afflictions , deaths ,
Untitled Article
130 DIARY OF THE REV . T . BELSHAM .
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Citation
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Monthly Repository (1806-1838) and Unitarian Chronicle (1832-1833), May 1, 1833, page 130, in the Nineteenth-Century Serials Edition (2008; 2018) ncse.ac.uk/periodicals/mruc/issues/vm2-ncseproduct2613/page/2/
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