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Tomahawk (1867-1870), 4th June 1870, Edition 1 of 1, Page 223

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    • TITjE DERBY AJVn T&J5 Z> L I
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      1 —____________——————————— - __ ______— . . June 4 , 1870 . ] THE TOMAHA WK . 223

      Titje Derby Ajvn T&J5 Z≫ L I

      TITjE DERBY AJVn T & J 5 Z > L I

      Gazette Pluto . Was Since Smoking Its Re...

      Gazette Pluto . was Since smoking its recent a cigar changes , and the dozing periodical over in the question Pall Mall has regularly gone to Hades , where its perusal has become a very favourite torture . which His I he nfernal was Majesty awakened gradual by the ly fell shrill into voice a deep of slumber Proserp , from ine . " " How What many are you times doing . must my I tell dear you ? " that cried it is the most Queen dangerous of Hell to . ¦ " sleep " Well over what a cigar of . it You ? " mi grunted ght set Pluto the p , lace " I on am fire sure !" this place would be , all the better for a little light . It ' s dreadfully dull now that " Don we have ' t talk exhausted nonsense all Mr our . P . " coal exclaimed , and can his 't burn Majesty any ' s more better !" half . " I am sure in the old days the place was simply unbearmy able comp —especiall lexion y would in the have summer been . ' utterl If the y ruined thing ! " had continued Rachel " Well and , you she would would hav have e onl set y to have all ri waited ht ! for I must Madame I miss my own fireside dreadfully you . The p g lace is now-a- say days tinued simp How ly it beastl much is impossibl y longer !" e this to . say amiable ( for Proserp conversation ine had would a long have tongue conin her headand knew how to use it ) when a young imp rushed into the infe , rnal apartment , and , prostrating himself at the feet of Plutobellowed with dismay . " What , now you young devil , " cried the King of Hell , " learn manners and be silent . " " Oh , Sire ! " blubbered the diabolical youth , " we have been and forgot it . " Murray " Forgot upon what the ? G " rammar roared Pluto of the , forgetting English language in his anger . Lindlay " Why your Majesty , we ' ve forgotten that to-morrow ' s the Derby " " What Day ' s to !" be done ? " said the King , turning to his wife , with a face full of dismay ; "We shan ' t have any room for themwhat ' s to be done ? " " Don ' t ask me , " said Proserpine sulkily , and she walked away " Wh . y the place will be swamped ! " sobbed the . distressed for monarc half h the , bursting betting men into they tears sent ; " Last to us just year after we the hadn Derb ' t room y ! " He bellowed for a few moments , then sobbed , and at last became comparatively calm . ' " I know what I will do ! "he said , after a paus . e ; " I will just go up to Earth and see if I can't persuade them to keep quiet ; perhaps they may listen to me . " With this he kicked the imp out of the room , and calling for a can of brimstone , sulphur , and water , began to make his toilet for Epsom . In less than an hour he was prepared for the Downs . He hailed Charon and soon crossed the Styx . H-******* The Derby Day at Epsom ! Five words with a world of meaning in them . If the writer of this article were fond of romancing , he would at once fall into and ecstacies golden about hair green . Being crdfie somewhat bonnets , matter and blue of eyes fact , , he and prefers rosy lips to , he describe will print the in Derb cap y itals in one . The word Derb , which y may ( as it be summed only in one up in word one ) word—DRINK ! fi Champagne g for the race , brandy itself , ? sherry Like , g a in charitable , and beer object . Who among really amateur cares a guilty actors , of it gross serves conceit as an excuse and dreadful for excess cruelty . The ; he amateur struts about actor the is stage to air his vanity and torment his friends . He does both f these or Decayed things in Cats aid . of In the like Home manner for the Incurables Derby , reveller or the Asy goes lum to he Epsom does , both to drink these until things he is in drunk the , name to eat until of support he is gorge given d , to and a righteous object ! Both types are shams . Alas I that we should live in an age of shams , but so it is ! a white Pluto hat walked about veil the and ground a Derb , got up Dust as -ha a sporting ! He had man been , in careful to disguise , green himself , for fear of meeting y Sir Joseph Hawley , off a reformer the Cours as e likel ! As y his as not Infernal to order Majesty him— passed Pluto , b King y the carriages of Hell— , nearly all the ladies looked after him and exclaimed , " What a fine man ! " " What a pet ! " " What a duck ! " " Who is he ? " ,

      that " Its I awfull am very y absurd popular , " murmured with women Pluto . , Every " but I bridegroom have noticed is named after me—a poor devil ! and from what I know of Proserpine He , I walked have no on doubt and he met is ! the " glances of the fair females with contempt and disgust , . could " Ah do ! " without he said you , " you ; but are that a is nice impossible set of ; peop I must le ! have I wish you . I ; Hades wouldn't be Hell if you weren't in it . Rather impolite ! Yes ; but then Pluto was in a bad temper , and Thieves , moreover , " a novel , had showing carefull up y rather perused ruthlessl " Fallen y the perfid among y of " woman—lovely woman . " By-and-bye His Infernal Majesty neared a group of thimblerig men . They were busily plying their trade . He approached them " Gentlemen , and addressing , without their breaking leader , in said upon : your privacy , will you permit me to remark , that your present employment is illegal — more—wrong ! You will greatly oblige me by desisting . " " " You Certainl ain ' y t not a peeler ; a policeman , " was the surl is not y rep to l be y . expected to be seen on a day such as this . Were the occasion a fashionable marriage at St . George's , Hanover square , or a garden dance at Twickenham , you might find plenty . No , I merely spoke to you as a well-wisher . " " Be hanged to you . " " Thanks , very much . I shall expect to see you at my place in the course of a day or so . " He walked on . He came to a brawling , itinerant preacher . This fellow was blasphemous and scurrilous . He yelled out as Pluto approached . " I tell you what—I've been an awful blackguard myself . I am an awful cad . There ' s not a sin I haven't been guilty ofand I would do them all again , every one of 'em ! For all that Pm all right . Look at my ' at . Ain ' t it a bad one ? Look at my coat and that ; it ' s ' s out why at I ' elbow m booked ! I ain for ' t ' eaven bloated ! " . I ain ' t an aristocrat , Pluto walked up to the man , and , touching him on the shoulder , whispered fiercely into his ear . any " Leave of your off - hel , you p . " fool . We are quite full , and we don't want " Who are you ?" " Your Master . " " What the devil—" " -Quite so . Shut up . " sank The into preacher silence . quailed before the iiery glance of Pluto , and Majesty At this noticed moment that there he was was close a loud to the shout Betting , and Ring his . Infernal He walked quickly up to the spot where crowds of people . were staking their money , and begged them to desist . As they pai begged d no him attention to use to his his influence words , with he addressed the motley a policeman crowd . , and " Wot , interfere with gents ? " cried the official in disgust and in amazement ' a poor devil . " Not of a if thimble I knows -rigger it . if No you , I ' m like quite ; but game for a to gentle ' run * man !—why , wot do you take me for ?" " For a policeman . I can ' t find a worse word in the English language . " This might have led to a row had not the services of X 22 been required for the taking into custody of a poor girl accused of the great crime of attempting to sell an orange ! Pluto walked away , and in spite of all his endeavours could a not few persuade hours of many fruitless peop toi le l to he moderate the their whole behaviour affair as . a After bad job . , gave up " It can ' t be helped , so I must make the best of it . " the With sun sank this he to joined rest returned in the wild home merriment . He carried of the with hour him , and some as of his most favoured guests . Much exhilarated with the champagne he had drunk , he insisted and minus upon horses drawing . a drag himself—a drag filled with revellers , It was a strange sight that wild weird carriage . The shouts of the drunkards were as terrible as the smiles of their guide and protector . The drag rolled easily along the dusty road . As they neared a toll-gate , a gaunt figure appeared . The " All gaunt right , " figure cried said Pluto nothing . , but looked upon the revellers with sightless eyes . ,

  • Citation
    • Tomahawk (1867-1870), June 4, 1870, page 223, in the Nineteenth-Century Serials Edition (2008; 2018) ncse.ac.uk/periodicals/t/issues/ttw_04061870/page/13/