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Tomahawk (1867-1870), 7th March 1868, Edition 1 of 1, Page 97, POOR HUMBUGS /

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      March 7, 1868.] The Tomahawk. 97

      March 7 , 1868 . ] THE TOMAHAWK . 97

      Poor Humbugs /

      POOR HUMBUGS /

      What Made Me A Humbug. ¦I'M Very Much Af...

      WHAT MADE ME A HUMBUG . ¦ I ' m very much afraid you will not quite like me . You see IVe lived all my days among humbugs . I ' ve humbugged and have been humbugged . My father was a humbug , poor fellow ; and my brothers were humbugs too—lucky scoundrels 1 I imagine that my sister was something of a humbug when the the she man man married was was an an young arrant arrant De idiot idiot Boor , with with , of Boorville the the head head Park of of . a a p r > On iisg " and and my soul the the

      brains (?) of a South African , nigger . She was a clever girl , my sister , and knew a good heart from a bad one—had no difficulty in distinguishing between gold and tinsel , paste and brilliants , glass and pearls . And , do you think I blamed her for becoming a humbug ? Not a bit of it . She was right—very right ! Say that she had not thrown over Charley Tinker ( Tinker . ' there ' s a name for you ) , and what then ? Love in a cottage , affection , five children , and one hundred and twenty pounds

      a a or year vear a box ! ! at Would Would the opera she she have have ? But had had stay a a , c c its arriage arriage "humbug , , or or a a " country countrv to pursue house house the , , subject further . Poverty is a mistake—a grand mistake . We know this , and ( half ) believe this , in spite of the " humbug " that has been talked about love !—Love !—Humbug ! All women are humbugs . From my heart I believe this , all , with one exception—my mother died ( thank God ) long before I had - ~~ - time «> to a- discover ~ 1 aai > ~ ~ - ~ w ~ - whether a av she ¦¦ *» was like unto the rest of her pp . ™™¦¦ " ¦™ « # ^ a . ab *¦ . hpapr ^^ ™ piii ^ p . a ^ aa . ^ p * * a * afc *¦¦ ^ p" ***¦ ^ aP w w ^^ ™ a * *^ ^ ^ ¦ " ^ p' *¦» * p *^ ¦* ^^ "p 1 " ^ **¦ ^^ —™ ^ P" ^ ^— —^ — — —

      sex . The picture before me does not look like the portrait of a " humbug . " Thank God again ! You may think it strange that I , who have been accustomed to humbug from my cradle should ever have been humbugged myself . Well , think so by all means . It was strange ! Shall I tell you how it happened . Pray don't let me bore you . Of course I don't want to do that . A humbug has vague ideas

      about about rierht right and and wrong wronff . , but but he he knows knows th that at a a Christian Christian should should never be a bore . Gaze complacently at your fellow man as he starves I didn , or ' t think drown she s , or was burn a humbug s , but don ! 't There bore him , you ! have got my secret . You can imagine the rest . Now you may expect plenty t of rue sentiment humbug , is despair eminentl , and y prosy tears , . never Nothing despairs of the , and sort is . the A last ¦^™ - ^^ . - ^ man —— - ^ ^ h ^ p- ^ p ^» ^ V in aai ap . ^ w the W a * bb . ^ b' world ' * ^ aa * aai ^^ ^ p ^ Bai to ^ v ^ . a » aap indul . ^* aj » ^ ap- ^» ^ a ^ ai aai ^ ge p ^ fc ^^^ in bbp a ^ ^ M lamentation aa > ^ a * Ba » aV ap ^^ a * ap ^ a > "P *^ " BV ap ^^ p » ^ k aa ~ . w This ^ bpb" ^ at a » ^» - ^^ m is ^» ™ the - ^ r ^* " »» ° " ^ p-

      best side of his character—the Spartan boy who allowed a fox t to ak feed e upon meanin his entrails ? was a consummate humbug . Do you my g I repeat I didn ' t think she was a humbug . And yet I don ' t know exactly why I exalted her above her fellows . There was nothing calmly I extraordinary must have noticed about her her many , and failings had I summed Exactly h , e r up did did not not sum sum her her up un calml calmlv y . and and the the result result . . I I loved loved . I I lost lost . II

      became a humbug ! A humbug , , a man with a smiling , face and , a crying heart , with a frame fashioned in the . person of a God , and a mind placed under the direct superintendence of a Devil ! The Dictionaries haven ' t as yet given the meaning of the word " humbug , " so I've supplied the information they have omitted to It furnish ' s awfull —to y your hard satisfaction —this subject I trust . If , my I could friends ! away from " her " and " her aai aaj " doings I know I could rattle # through aia & ¦ with

      — ^ ¦ ¦ ar a » "pp-bp ^ ^ aw ^ pp — ^ a » ap a » aa _ p ^> aap ^^ ¦¦¦ # a > «¦> a » ap vw * w ^ a » —i ~ pjpaj a » « rw ^» v « v * r ¦* ah ™* p * w ¦» ^ ~ ~ *> aja * T * "p ^ ™ ^ m my anage cynic it isms . I must and p exp leasantries lain the c ause first or yo rate u w on ' t , understand but I can ' t the effects . You will lose the moral of my words—supposing my words to have a moral . I don ' t want to be too hard upon g human ood ind N eed ature if circums I would tances like to didn show 't interfere that man and would convert be very him into - ho — - — wever - » W a - ***• demon , * le ^> t W me A A * . * M arrive Is - * A A ¥ this W at - V a it . fc- moral fairly A V-VA * A- J , m and Cl conclusion AX V-fc i * t V will » r A A * bring »_ ? * X * 4 I don A me A J . ^^ ' comfort t X ^ A know A ** V ^ A W . ,

      So good people keep your thoughts to yourselves , and allow a poor humbug to enjoy a little consolation . I generally put down " conscience " to pork chops at supper—but I own that my theory may be wrong . wh y . return Imag . ine I to didn yourself ' t think a gushin she was g a young humbug creature . I will —all tell senti you ment , white muslin , and silvery laughter . A girl with a " heart ;" a violen swee t h child ysterics who if cried you hin if you ted sugges at the possibili frivolity ty of her went " caring into for another" A dear angelwho 11 U rested so loving llllV lon r arm « - * - <

      - » W bAAWA , . M . UVV »» l- « ' 4- * £ ^^ 'J . , y » T l ^ tJt ^ U * J I' lUT ^ y Wli you Jf \ J Vi 1 . . **¦* i nto she you ga r zed hungry with ea you rs words up into of fai the th and starlit cons sk tancy y , and murmured A darling dr who opped wove it dain a fool tily s on cap to to your your head measure withou and t disarrang , when ing finished your hair— - except to turn it from black to white ! She a humbug 'I

      Perish the thought ! Child of Nature , daughter of impulse , if you will ; but humbug ?—Pshaw ! Often have I laughed at " spooning . " There ' s something offensively absurd in it to the outside world . The man looks an idiot and the woman a fool . I suppose , nay , I ' m sure , when I went in for " spooning " I must have looked an idiot ; but I'm certain ^^ ^^^ ^* V * ¦•^^ v ^ h ^ h ^ . » ^ Nellie ^ m V ^ U ^ ^ . B ^ h ^ k ^^ . F ^ could ^ ^_^ v V ^ ^ ^^ ' * nt ^^ V have ^^ ^^ ^^^ v * ^^^ f looked m ^^^ F ^^^ ^* ^ k ^^^ 'v ^ ' ^ b ^ a ^ f ^ . * fool ^ b ^ . ^ p - ^^ r ^* . V ^ I .. a ^ found ^ ^ . ^^ ^ v ^» # ^ b ^ v ^ b "spooning ^^^ B ^^ ^^^ ^ ^ ^ ^^ ^ ^ fe ^ ^^ ^^"

      pleasant , and , on my word , when I parted with Nellie , before leaving England for a trip on the continent , I really was quite affected . I do believe I made an absolute ass of myself . As for her , it was all sentiment , truth , honour , love , constancy , and the rest of it . As I think over the matter now , I ' m half sorry that what was said on the evening of our parting should have turned out to be " humbug . " Yes , in spite of grey hairs and " knowledof the world" ( good heavenswhat an lishment & 44 J !) I

      4 » *^ - % -K ge ^^ ^^ ^^ ^ ^ & , » ^^ V V ^^ ^ ^ ^ fc \ >^^ ^^ ^^ ^ i ^ ^^ ¦ ^^ ^ . V V ^^ t 4 fc ^ , ^ «* k ^^* V * ^*^ T ^ A accomp k ** * ¦ # ^ b ^ ^ m * A . 4 ^ W ^ ^ ^ * . « ' . A ^^ ^ Mm V J , " ^ can ' t help saying that I grieve a little over that particular piece of " humbug . " Pray don ' t think me mawkish if I own as much . We went to Switzerland for a couple of months , and we "did"the mountains . My friend and I ( true to our corps—we were both humbugs ) , pretended to enjoy our break-neck amusement . We W V ^ feB * had ^ Bi ^ B . Bj > W ^ h ** Bt had ^ Bt >¦¦ Vk' ^ B' ^ B ^ B ^ ah a ^ BV hard B * ^ B > ^ I ^^ BT ¦ b > ^ BP ^ P- day ^^ Bk ^ .. B ^ 's «»^ P work W W ^ BB * ^ b ¦& BBa on ^ b ^ ^~ ^*> v a *^*^ certain ^ B ^ ' ^ b > ^^ ^ F ^ H'V ¦ ^ ^^^ BBl evening ^^ . ^ ^ U ^ ^ . " . * ^~ ^^ _^*** , "fl and ^^ - ^ BT ^ B * BBt « . BB my B . B . VB > J

      friend and I were seated in the open air smoking . One of us was reading an old number of Galignani , the other was thinking about something or other , which something or other had conjured up the smile which sat so pleasantly upon his sun-burnt face . And there lounged the two men enjoying a silence peculiarly English . A silence to be purchased by years of intimacy ^^ B > . * ^* ^ k , ^ b ^ k ^ V ^ W * V ^ B * W B and ^^ W ^ k 4 | f ^ BP ^ fe < BBl friendshi ^ Bff ^ % ^^^ Bh d * ^ B' ^ h Bbbt ^& ^^> ^*! p V ^ B * only ^ h ^ ' Bb Bt ^ Bi ^ F known ^^ ^^ ' ^ ¦ ^^ . * . ^ ^^ to ^^ ^ 1 ^ ^ stolid BB ^ ^ pr < BV ^ B > MBi ^ VB * , unsociable ^ B ^*> ^ ^ . ^^^ ^^^ BB MB > ^^^ ^ v ^ B ^ B . W , B |

      heavy-hearted Britishers . By-and-bye the reader whistles , and exclaims— " Poor fellow !" " What is it ? " said I , waking up from my day dream , " what startled " Nothing you , old old fellow boy , " 1 " replied my friend , hurriedly thrusting j the newspaper into the pocket of his flannel smoking coat , " nothing . ¦> Bfr ^ BBP "jr BV > BBJ 4 k akB * % . BB > old ^ B ^ - ^ ^ bi B , i boy Bb * ^ B' J ¦¦¦ BP ! b Isn * B > B ^ b * ^ ¦¦> ' t ^ it "A * * a ^^ j ^ oll ^^ ^^ ^ y J evening ^** V aa 1 B' ^ ^ ^ ^ BI b ^ p !" ^ b » *^ r * ¦ ^ ^ bb f * tm b > . ¦ ^ r 4 fr 4

      In a moment I had detected "humbug . " I got up quietly , and resting my hand upon his shoulder , said " Kindly meant old fellow , kindly meant , but I ' m used to all sorts of bad news . Fork out the paper . " My friend handed me Galignani . I hurriedly cast -my eyes over the pages—but found nothing . " Where is it old boy ? " I asked after three minutes of the most fruitless BBb search ¦¦^^^ .

      BV » 4 ff * BBl I B ^ ' Va * *— ** Xl 9 ¦ . *^ . * ~ BJ ~ > BBBV ^« B > ^ b * " ^ ^¦ P' ^ ^ — The " old boy " turned away his head and said " Look among the marriages !" My friend's reticence was indeed kindly meant ! Yes , I saw her afterwards , and we had many a merry laugh over " our folly . " She is middle-aged now , and rouges a little , ^ I BJp think . ¦• ^ Bi BBf ^ ^ b Bpi ^ B- BB , BB and ^ V ^ B > « Bi B . ^ B ^ BBi ^ is B > Bi ^ T ¦ ¦ just ( v ^ h b > the W - ^ W BBl ^^ b ^ ^ least ^ ' ^ * ^ " B ^ bit Hb 1 BB ¦ Bf injudicious B > bB B * ^ BTBB V ¦ " ^ Bi « r Bl ^ NBP Bto- ^ fr V ^ BT ^ about Bp ^ ' P ^ B ^ ^ B ^ ^^ B ^ BJBF champagne ^ B ^ B . J BPi ^^ ^» Bl Bi ^ pi ^^ pr BpBJ BBb ^ ^ * B B ^^ Bf .

      Her husband is a great friend of mine , and complains to me about her ; tells me of the " rows " they have about this and that . Of course the poor victim doesn ' t know that he has taken the place that was once to have been mine on the altar of matrimonial sacrifice . I pity him—what a wife ! The other night , coming home from their house , I couldn't help laughing at the change that has taken place in her since the days of " our folly . " She's thirty-five if she's a day , and on wordto ¦ judge from Bi BBf her fiurecan never have read the

      ^¦ P * Bt Mt my ^ BB BB 4 VT W V K ^ BP" I B » WW , B | ¦»> ¦ —^ J W .- W ^^ h ~* B ^ B . 4 " —^ « B BB BB > ¦• BV ^ bF ^ ~ VBg ^ % ^^ iBL ^^ , J ^^ ^^ B \ 4 ^ " ^ Bt ^ " ^ Bh ^^ ^"" ^^ works of Banting * . And I laughed * . so heartil ^ y that the tears ran down my cheeks . When I reached home my merriment had qitite subsided , but my eyes were just the least bit watery . ing However up-stairs , I found in m a y m sitting an , who -room had , so "dropped I quickl y commenced upon me , " wait my - usual ^ h ^ * bbF *»• T » pPJP mt round ^ P' ¦¦»¦* * P > « J « of ^ PP" B » ^ hum bpb ^»^^ bug ^^^ w MBk . « ^ Ah " ¦ , my J . friend *¦*¦ * ^ P * ¦¦> ™ ^^ , >| is ^ ^* p" - it » " * T *¦ not ^ ** ¦ *¦ a y wonderfu » » ^ PP 1 ¦* Pp V * ^ PF Pfc ¦» - l BJ . age ¦> » ¦ VaBh "rf ,

      and taught a hol that y age we , and can a hig to hly speak civilized ) play a ni , when gger melod we are y so on well our heart strings and account for the bloody sweat of our grief by g w es ag g io ish n ! And llusions now t ha o po ing rk ex chop plained supp how ers , became cucumber a humbug , and indi , let - a me Peop nd a le ll call y women our me pardon c f a nical lse if ! you The ecause find idea me I c ! on bu now s t ider the and mos wo then r t ld men , is so little dishones good bitter so t . ,

      very good ! But let me to my task . The first humbug presented to your notice shall be my father " on the Turf . " Poor man , he was deeply wronged . The world , with its usual charity , called kne him w . a knave . t The well worl and on of course honou , was ra mistaken s a entleman in him and . a Christ my ian , paren I swear my , dear my and respec ted fa g ther was only a fraudulent fool !

  • Citation
    • Tomahawk (1867-1870), March 7, 1868, page 97, in the Nineteenth-Century Serials Edition (2008; 2018) ncse.ac.uk/periodicals/t/issues/ttw_07031868/page/7/