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Tomahawk (1867-1870), 11th April 1868, Edition 1 of 1, Page 145, April ii, 1868.3 THE TOMAHAWK. 145

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  • Departments (2)
    • POOR HUMBUGS/
    • OAT A PAR WITH MARS.
  • Text (5)
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      April Ii, 1868.3 The Tomahawk. 145

      April ii , 1868 . 3 THE TOMAHAWK . 145

      Poor Humbugs/

      POOR HUMBUGS /

      My Brother—In The Church. Do You Know I ...

      MY BROTHER—IN THE CHURCH . Do you know I don ' t think Cain could have been a very good fellow . awfull I don y ' jealou t want s to of be his too brother ' hard upon Abel , him and , but actuall you y went see he so was iar on one occasion as to give that young gentleman ( if I may be allowed an expression worthier of Bell ' s Life than this publication ) " an ugly punch on the head . " Now this , in my opinion , was in the worst possible taste ! Of course we must make every excuse for a hasty temper and a suspicious nature , but but seriousl sometime y—killing s absolutel one ' s y brother wrong is ! not It is onl indeed y always . Onl injudicious y on the greatest provocation would I kill my brother ! I ' m not laughing—I really mean it . I know for making such an assertion I shall be regarded by most people as absurdly straight-laced . Eh Men' . on this point I am straight-laced . Don ' t sneer at me—we all have our foibles ! Cain would have got on very well indeed with my brother I think if they had ever met one another . In fact , my dear relation could have given our antediluvian ancestor several hints on the subject of moral fratricide . I can imagine James taking hold in of that these part days of would Cain ' s have primitive been garment known that as a , had button it been -hole made , and addressing him , thus , "My dear Sir , my very dear Sir , pray clumsy don't be . What offended kill , but your entre brother nous with , you a club are particularl ! I never y heard of such , a thing . Pill him at your club if you like , but don't resort to violence . I can quite understand your feeling towards Abel—a sort of an antipathy , a kind of disgust at witnessing his success ? Exactly—I have felt the same emotions myself . But what did I do ? Did I get a great ugly stick and knock his brains out 1 No . Did I come before his face and boldly strike the life out of his body ? No . I pursued a much safer course . I stole behind his back and sneered at him , and there lied about for him him an ; enemy robbed ; and him , last here but of a not friend least , , manufactured I helped the

      b girl etter that than should defying have the been gallows his wife ? Was to jilt not him this . Was more not artistic this than your clumsy exercise with the murderous club 1 Your must victory have was felt gone some in remorse a moment but , mine / ( as has my lasted brother for years was far . You too strong minded to commit , suicide , and much too sensible to with make hands a fuss ) free can from retire , blood and - have stains retired a every on evening li to and rest a , , prayer my ps , can have next Pardon write -to thoug -certainty of me ht my for it bro best of entering ther the to James Kingdom mention into with these them of the Heaven littl most hers e famil to p erfect " show y matters impartiality you , that but I I , in spite of the near relationship that so happily exists between that us . B Mrs y-the . Cain -bye , must don ' t have whisper always this to considered the ladies her . I husban feel certain d an but angel if . I Quite was requested right of her by too a . very I don influential 't like using deputation strong language from , b my etrothed fellow-citizens who deceive to utter s her an oath swain , I think and the I should wife who curse sides the against her husband ! , My brother James was the finest specimen of the genus humbug I ever met in my life . He was a toady at school . For ever running after the masters that he might curry favour with them ha by mper laughing made its their welcome mild a and ppear venerable ance amon jokes g his . comrades Whenever he a was sure to be on the most affectionate terms of intimacy with its lucky owner . When the contents of said hamper had int been o a diminished sentiment of sincere moiety , respect the feeling ; when of affection only the subsided jam rebut mained capricious , the sincere ; when respect the jam gave -pot p s lace lost to their friendshi treasures p , cordial the friendship disappeared and was replaced by a cold and dignified , politeness , but a politeness which , with a little care and another hamper , might easily be ripened once more into affection and deep At respect the University . he was a consummate " tuft hunter f he a followed duty , not in as the an wake amusement of the " . fast One " set term , and he went surprised in for everybod " life" as by suddenly disappearing . There was a great to-do about the matter , and for more than a year we completely lost sight of him ; but the prodigal returned . He went back to college ,

      took candidate his degree for Hol , and y Orders presented . His himself Lordshi before p was dul the y Bishop humbugged as a by my brother ( who believed in about five-and-a-third of the Thirty-nine Articles ) , and was ordained deacon . A curacy followed sisting of , to a be skinny followed wife in and its turn a fat by famil a limited y living comp . Then any , con my - brother and the left use a of curate a tumble in -down the parish rectory , with , and thirty wended pounds his way a year to foreign parts with the remaining nine hundred and seventy pounds condemned a year absentees of his income and then . By- of and course -bye , however brother , the Bishop true to his creed of humbug , , returned , to his parish , my to toad , y His Mi J g ames htiness was of very the lawn " good sleeves / ' He and spoke very with fine linen a soft . voice and grinned with a holy smile . He fawned upon his spiritual lord at or the rather Palace vices hard . He by hated , but he " visiting left the , " poor and to rattled their own throug devices h the , funeral service at express train speed . For all this he was " great" at a fashionable wedding , smiling and smirking , with his shiniest thoug of hts shiny probabl -leather y in heaven boots ! , and Greater his feet still ce was rtain he ly at in the the when Bishop " ' s sp dinner icey , " with table his , with fawning his amiable bow of titter acquiescence at clerical at " clerical shop " " shop " when dogmatic , with his sorrowful glance of condolence fawned at clerical like " shop a treacherous " when querulent hound . And grinning so he lived and , capering and lied , and and cringeing , at the least beck of his master , ' s finger , ready to wallow joy in the at the mud s , ound or to of gambol his master in the ' sunshine s voice— , himself to whine his or jump only God with , his banker ' s book his only Bible ! church I remember listening well to his , one preaching Sunday . Assembled afternoon I around was sittin him g was in a a reverence very fashionable and submission congregation . James , who was received terribl his severe words with due the y upon the wicked ciation pul , p upon as it ) became upon denunciation the so devoted holy ( my a heads man brother — of h all e could thundered those be who very out had savage denun com in - - mitted the smallest sin . He was quite red in the face after his exertions , when in the verv middle of his discourse a tattered

      beggar-woman staggered into the church and made for the his pulp fiery it . M excommunication y brother turned of qu the ite wicked white , , and and stopped the angry short words in of hard-hearted justice died upon his lips . He stood still , I say , with his hand raised pointing at the advancing figure ^—his lips apart , —his eyes starting from his head , —his frame in an agony of terror ! The figure fell to the ground . There was a rush to her assistbrother ance—a came call for trembling the clergyman ly towards , for the her woman , urged was forward dying by ! the My sound of a score of whispering voices . " Who is she ' ?" " Who am 1 I" said the sinking woman . " I am a beggarstarved and dying ! I am , " and she laid hold of my brother's cassock , " this man ' s wife I " ******* The woman died ; James remarried his wife , and went out as a missionary . When last . I heard from him he was realising a large fortune by selling glass beads to the natives of Boshy-boo , and the Church entertained of En rather gland ) " on advan the ced subject " views of pol ( for ygamy a clergyman ! of

      Oat A Par With Mars.

      OAT A PAR WITH MARS .

      The Long-Standing Complaint That The Kni...

      The long-standing complaint that the Knightsbridge barracks are a disgrace to the neighbourhood—that they are foul and filthy , an eyesore , and a moral pestilence—has brought the usual and the official War result Office : is they requested are , of to course spend , to a be large made sum permanent of money , with this object . The reason is obvious : the officers' quarters are pleasant , and look upon the park—as for the accommodation of the privates , that is nobody's business . The decision of the War Office is highly characteristic and worthy of imitation . Let us vote big sums for the general rehabilitation of dirt and discomfort . Let us have large supplies of water laid on for the benefit of the Essex Marshes ; let us have Oxford street destroyed , and St . Giles ' s reconstructed ; let us have Smithfield it restored matter and if common a charter granted le stifle to the in Hay market tiferous . wa What rds does and ordure cumbers the street peop pathsso long pes as our officers have nicely-furnished rooms , with windows , that look on the park \

  • Citation
    • Tomahawk (1867-1870), April 11, 1868, page 145, in the Nineteenth-Century Serials Edition (2008; 2018) ncse.ac.uk/periodicals/t/issues/ttw_11041868/page/3/