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Note: This text has been automatically extracted via Optical Character Recognition (OCR) software. The text has not been manually corrected and should not be relied on to be an accurate representation of the item.
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The young men staying with me at the Grange used to quiz me about Clara , and Mrs . Grant was always sounding her praises . More than once did she exclaim that for any man who wanted a treasure of a wife Clara Lawrence was the woman . She also joked me , though in a covert manner , about Clara . But her joking only increased my embarrassment . It is a psychological fact that all the highest pleasures have in them an
element of pain . Exquisite music brings tears into the eyes . We cry from joy as well as from grief . This feeling of embarrassment , therefore , only added a zest to the intense delight of being with Clara . I could sit for hours in the same room with her pretending to read , while she was employed at her work ; gazing over my book at her sad , sweet face , and doting on the quiet grace of her deportment . I suppose she expected me to talk ; but I could not break the charm of silence , and I have no doubt she well
understood the delicacy of my proceedings . But the time grew near when she was to leave us , when we were to part . Now it was necessary for me to declare myself , or I should lose her . Here was the rub ! I dreaded a refusal as much as I should have been overjoyed at an acceptance . Often did I begin a conversation with her hoping to be able gradually to lead to the subject nearest my heart 5 but as soon as we reached the confines of that subject I grew timid and wandered away .
The last day now arrived and found me still in this hesitating mood . The morning she employed in packing up . I observed a strangeness in Mrs Grant ' s manner towards me 3 and several times during breakfast she deplored with a very significant tone that such a girl as Clara should be forced to go to service . She also thrsw out some sarcasms respecting the foolish pride of men in general , and the mercenary nature of the young men of the present day . In her day it was not so . To me it was quite evident that she wanted me to marry her protegee . I also wanted to marry her ; and had more than once thought of confiding my secret to Mrs . Grant , but was deterred from doing : so by my old fear of making myself ridiculous .
Yet could I suffer Clara to depart ? Impossible ! I would that very day make my declaration . But the day passed , and though I was often alone with her , every time I opened my lips my heart beat so wildly that I could not summon the requisite courage . Dinner over a walk was proposed . I offered Clara my arm , and we wandered forth into the meadows to enjoy the beauty of an autumn evening . The " witching hour" of evening has always a peculiar effect upon me ; and now , with the lovely Clara leaning on my arm , averting her melancholy face , and scarcely breaking silence except to sigh , I felt ashamed of my irresolution , and resolved to propose .
It was easier to resolve than , to execute . My heart fluttered so that I was afraid to speak ; accumulated nervousness made me powerless . We rambled on . The last tints from the declining sun had faded away in the distant sky—the harvest moon was rising full and brilliant—and Colonel Grant suggested the propriety of our return before the word had risen to my lips . " They are going home , " said Clara timidly . " I could ramble thus all night , " I ventured to reply .
There was a pause . " I hope it will be fine to-morrow , " she said . " So do I , " was my answer ; then feeling that it was a very feeble sort of reply , I added , " And ... this is the ... last evening we are ... to have you ... We shall miss you terribly !" She said nothing . We walked on a few yards , and I said" Are you not sorry to leave England ?" " No : I am an orphan . I have few friends , and no one to regret me . "
" Do not—oh ! do not say that , Miss Lawrence ! " I impetuously exclaimed , and then , blushing , I stopped suddenly . I felt her arm tremble within mine , and heard a low sigh escape her . I trembled also . I expected her to speak—to say something which should encourage me to proceed—but she was silent ; and we reached home before the word had passed my lips . Upbraiding myself for my timidity , I determined that at tea I would declare myself : I would whisper it to her at the piano . The Fates had willed it otherwise . Clara was not present at tea . She was not well , and had retired to her own room . Next morning she was
The state of despondency into which 1 fell at her absence was truly pitiable . Mrs . Grant was excessively cold in her manner towards me , and I also thought the Colonel changed . But I was too unhappy to pay much attention to these things . I was perfectly miserable , and neglected my flute . " What makes you so melancholy ? " asked Mrs . Grant one afternoon . " Am I melancholy ? " I replied , with an affectation of joviality . " I suppose it ' s because I'm poetical !" " More likely because you arc proud !" " Proud ?"
" Proud !" " What can you mean ?" " I mean , Mr . Meek , that you have tampered with the feelings of an excellent girl—that you have lost an inestimable prize , and you know it—lost it out of pride ! Do not pretend amazement . You know you won Clara's
love , and yet allowed her to depart without a w 9 rd from you . And why ? Because she is poor . " " Indeed , Mrs . Grant , you mistake me . I have not trifled with her feelings . I love her ; indeed I do , upon my honour ! It was only doubts of her love .. " Mrs . Grant shook her head incredulously .
" Mrs . Grant , I give you my word as a gentleman it is so . " " You are willing to marry her ?" " To-morrow . " " Then lose no time ! Quick ! to London , quick ! Lady Dashwood must still be in London . Go and plead your own cause , and my word for it you will make Clara the happiest of women . " That very night I was in London .
After a careful toilet I went to Portman-square , where lived Lady Dashwood ; but as I came up to the door I began to hesitate : surely , it . w , as not proper to call at this hour ? I would call to-morrow forenoon . On the morrow I was in Portman-square by eleven o ' clock . The sight of some gentleman looking out of the parlour window made me so nervous that instead of knocking at the door I walked past . About an hour afterwards . I returned , when to my disgust I found a footman lounging at the open door . What can these insolent fellows do , always lounging on the door steps ! I could not face that flunky , so walked away again .
I determined to write . The whole of the next day was consumed in writing , and in tearing up what I wrote . Skilful as I am with my pen I could not on that occasion please myself ; so I resolved to give up the plan , and to see Clara myself , and open my heart to her in the burning eloquence of words . I called next day . The house was shut up . A bill was in the window . Lady Dashwood had gone abroad ! I came home and sobbed like a child . To this day I am a bachelor !
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OPEN SPEAKING . In our day , candour is not only beneficial but safe : this is the point on which we especially insist , because the benefit will be little disputed , but the safety has , as yet , been scarcely tested save by those who are not the most timid . We can , however , bear multiplying testimony to the fact , that , whatever may have been the case in days not long passed , the most out-speaking candour is now accepted with respect by those who differ from the opinions spoken
out , and even by those who do not feel justified in practising it themselves . This last fact , indeed , of which we have lately had several striking instances , —when we consider the disposition to a self-defensive disparagement of virtues which we cannot practise—is in itself one of the most estimable and generous acts of candour . But to the absolute safety we have testimony from a practical philosopher , so ably expressed , that we must pluck it out of a private letter , rather than suffer it to lie hidden ; though the freedom with which it was written makes us doubt our right to adorn it with a name that
would add to the weight of the evidence : — " But for what I meet with continually among some of the freest and forwardest people I know , I should almost as soon think of insisting on the doctrine of gravitation , with long illustrations , as on the duty and expediency of a perfectly free declaration of opinions . I have met with only one person in all my experience who sees as I do the impossibility of calculating what the general mind can bear , and the presumption of concluding that other minds are incapable of receiving the truth that we hold . As I see a whole parishful of people who go to church for the sake of example to one another , I see a whole kingdom full of people who arc hiding up what they think , out of consideration for every body else .
14 For my own part , I dare not conclude other people to be my ' weaker brethren . ' The presumption of this shocks one , when it is set down plainly . In every case of my * ruining myself by out-speaking , I have found a public ready and waiting ; and ( what is much more important to me ) I have found myself brought face to face with persons , wiser and more experienced than myself in that particular matter , who have administered invaluable aid to me . « 4 The truth burns in our pockets . ' Friends of mine , remarkable before the world for having borne testimony in an unpopular cause , are uneasy about it [ this plain speaking ] , nnd remonstrate with me—some on the danger to other people ' s faith , and others on the peril to my own influence . ' My answer is , that I hope people hold their convictions on some better ground than my sharing them ; and that my * influence' must take its chance . I never took any charge of it , and I certainly shall not begin now . "
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PRAYER . Across the shuddering heaven slow creeps the breeze ; The stars look down on me with earnest eyes , Jlevoalers of the past eternities , And prophets of the future ; the strong skies Lean o ' er earth lovingly ; the quiet leaa , Chequered with shadows of the grazing sheep , And moving brnnchery of charmed trees , Trembling beneath the watchful moon in sleep , Arc gliding into this calm soul of mine , Hanging its templed walls with pictures fair : Open they are unto the heavens divine , — To the glad breathings of the summer air From shores eternal . In this awful shrine The little Child within kneels down in Prayer . 1841 . M .
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Sept . 28 , 1850 / J Wfrt & £ && *? + 645
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Citation
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Leader (1850-1860), Sept. 28, 1850, page 645, in the Nineteenth-Century Serials Edition (2008; 2018) ncse.ac.uk/periodicals/l/issues/vm2-ncseproduct1854/page/21/
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