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Untitled Article
me of God , much that was true mixed with much of what I now perceive to be puerile , or absurd , or superstitious , or impious , I was at peace with men , and , as I then believed , with God . But when an experience over which I had no controul shook my confidence in that which I held ; when I had discovered and rejected some of the falsehoods of my creed , and when
I was therefore really wiser than before , the torment began which was destined well nigh to wrench life from my bosom or reason from my brain . Why did I not observe that no signal from above authorized the infliction ? Why , while suffering for rejecting the dicta of men , did I take their word for it that the infirmities of the reason were deformities in the eyes of Him who caused them , and that no better recompense awaited the struggle to see his face than exile to the outer darkness ? I had eyes to see that his
sunshine was spread before me as in the days of my youth , and that he had written his will and described his nature in characters which it was given to none to forge . I had ears to hear Him as he called to me from the shades at noon , and instructed me from above the stars by night . I had an understanding to compass the truths which his messengers brought from him , to investigate their claims and interpret their teachings , and yet I questioned not that God was what men said he was , and that I deserved at his hand
that which I received at theirs . It was for this impiety that I suffered , and under this self-incurred bondage that I groaned . I revolted from the teachings of men , and yet did not freely surrender myself to those of God ; and hence arose my perplexities , and thus is the anguish of those days accounted for and justified .
That anguish was made more intense by the new and vivid pleasure which had attended the first stir among my convictions . Well do I remember the wonder with which I first listened to a controversy respecting the required nature and degree of Christian faith , the meditation in my chamber which followed , and the startling question whose perceived extent thrilled me with awe , when I witnessed , in that very hour , the entrance of
a new life into the world . I saw beneath my window-sill a swallow ' nest , whence the parent bird cast out the shell from which her young had issued . " I have learned , " thought I , " that the will of God , which men declare to be told so plainly , is not understood alike by all . All have the revelation before them , and yet they differ as to what we have to do , how it is to be done , and what the consequences are to be . How do I know that I have been rightly taught respecting the ultimate facts on which the obligations of
duty rest ? What do I know more than this young brood , of whence I came and how I exist , of who is my Maker , and whether there be indeed a Maker ? Here I am , a living , thinking being , surrounded by forms of beauty , and organizations of intricate wonders ; but do I really know more than that these things are ; and is it possible to learn more V I dreamed of no impiety in these thoughts , and I enjoyed the first glimpse into a region of speculation whose vastness was perceived without its gloom . I
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€ 86 Snbhatl * Musings .
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Citation
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Monthly Repository (1806-1838) and Unitarian Chronicle (1832-1833), Oct. 2, 1831, page 686, in the Nineteenth-Century Serials Edition (2008; 2018) ncse.ac.uk/periodicals/mruc/issues/vm2-ncseproduct2602/page/34/
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