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tion ; besides the tie of relationship made my condition less physically harsh , and slackened some of the severe and cutting bonds between the poor apprentice and his comparatively wealthy master . But I had mortifications and endurances which were unknown to him , and I then thought complaint to him would have procured no redress , his manner to me forbade hope of relief ; though ! now believe otherwise ;
and I was frequently miserable , very , very miserable—so miserable that I feel now a yearning of pity towards any boy who may be so circumstanced ; it would be sufficient punishment for any misconduct , even crime , of which a boy can be guilty , for it was a whipping and lashing of the heart . And little did any one think I was miserable ; for every freedom from the suffering made my spirit leap with joy , and my mirth was exuberant even to a wildness of character . So I
dare say they supposed I was silent only because I was fatigued with merriment , they never dreamt that my stillness was most frequently a return to heart-consuming sadness ; no , they could not understand me . Could I have trod in my master ' s steps , could I have made business , as it was called , my delight , perhaps no boy ' s life would have been happier than mine with him . But this was against the grain , it was most nauseous , it was like crunching particles of sand
between the teeth ; a delicious sensation that ! I could not chain my faculties to it . « Why V I could not . * Why V I could not . * Why , why V I could not , I could not ; I did strive , but I could not ; and the * way to lead me into liking it was never tried , and the means which I do believe my uncle thought would most safely direct and fix me , only increased my hatred of it . He seemed to be afraid of trusting me with looks or words of kindness , as if their consequence would be an
assumption of privilege or idleness on my part : mistaken wisdom ! spectacled perception ! It makes duty hateful , and obedience a pang . True , indeed , to his eye I was hopeless , valueless , worthless ; but he began by standing aloof , and I felt myself isolated from the hour my novelty of position , the boy emancipated from school , had worn away its charm . The gratuities of sixpences , shillings , and half crowns , though I am now sure they were given in a kind and indulgent spirit ,
were never graced by any expressions of goodwill , there was a manner of compulsion in the giving , they were dispensed with the suppressed , dry , matter-of-fact look , with which a farmer gives hay to his team , or his wife barley to the chickens . Would the horses return a pat of the neck with a bite or a kick ? or the chickens peck the hand if the barley were accompanied by tones of endearment ? How
differently were my father ' s less frequent donations of shillings put into my hand ! Yet many considered him a man of austere and harsh character , though all children loved him . There was a playful beauty in the preface ; and a confident rest in the loose which he gave to my self-guidance in the conclusion ; that multiplied the gratuity a hundred times , and bade me regard it , not as money , but as a token of his affection .
I was ever dreaming , basking as it were in the sunshiny visions of worlds which were not , of hazy creations which floated before my eyes and twisted the figures of pounds , shillings , and pence into fantastic shapes : for six dozen of any thing at 12 * . Scl . per dozen , I made a product in cocoa-nut trees , sailing ships , and ^ etrange shores ,
Untitled Article
Autobiography of Pel . Verjuice . 397
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Citation
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Monthly Repository (1806-1838) and Unitarian Chronicle (1832-1833), June 2, 1833, page 397, in the Nineteenth-Century Serials Edition (2008; 2018) ncse.ac.uk/periodicals/mruc/issues/vm2-ncseproduct2616/page/37/
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