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Untitled Article
Letter from Master Hopkins to Mrs . Ticlcletooth . Prospect Hall , 1 st April , 1833 . Madam , I have the honour to inform you that I duly received your communication by black Tom , consisting- of a two-penny tart , two sticks of lollypop , and a pennyworth of parliament , and I am
under the painful necessity of informing you that this last order hae by no rneans answered my expectations . The tart manifested a degree of acidity altogether unprecedented within my experience , and highly derogatory to the character of your establishment . After eating half of it , I found it impossible to proceed , and therefore was obliged tp dispose of the remainder by auction at a considerable loss , having been
able , with the utmost exertions , to realize no more than five marbles . The lollypop sucked more satisfactorily , though I have still to lament an undue absence of treacle . With regard , however , to the parliament , which was a partnership concern with Tom Harris and Bob Short , I am grieved to report that , having discussed it long and anxiously in committee , we resolved unanimously that it was
Flat , stale , and unprofitable . Speaker . None of us could make any thing of the upper cake , which now lies a noxious incumbrance on our hands , every attempt to swallow it having turned our stomachs . Even Pincher snarled , and nearl y bit my hand when I offered it to him : Let dogs delight to bark and bite , It is their nature so .
Watts ' s Divine Songs . The lpwer cakes , though better , were in some p laces mouldy , in others damaged with pepper , mustard , small beer , Irish whiskey , and mud ; still we managed to swallow them , under hopes of better things . Agonizing as it must be to every reflecting and sensitive mind to put forth representations of the above nature , I feel that I owe it as a
duty tp myself , no less than to the distinguished establishment which I have the honour , however unworthily , to represent , to protest against the above confectionary , and to inform you that our future orders will be given to Mrs . Sweetbread , unless you afford us immediate and liberal compensation . I have the honour to be , &c . ( Signed ) Theodore Hopkins .
P . S . I inclose half a gooseberry and a shred of parliament to convince you of the truth of the above representations . The extraordinary intelligence of our school masters may be reasonably inferred from the number of things they undertake to teach . A Doctor of Civil Law teaches
' The Greek and Roman classics , the various branches of mathematical science , modem language , English literature , with nil the necessary parts of a liberal and intellectual education . ' Another gentleman 4 Carefully instructs youth in the Eng lish , Latin , and Greek languages , writing , common and decimal arithmetic , book-keeping , men-
Untitled Article
The Schoolmaster Abroad , 649
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Citation
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Monthly Repository (1806-1838) and Unitarian Chronicle (1832-1833), Sept. 2, 1833, page 647, in the Nineteenth-Century Serials Edition (2008; 2018) ncse.ac.uk/periodicals/mruc/issues/vm2-ncseproduct2622/page/63/
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