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    September 28, 1867.3 THE TOMAHAWK. 219

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    "FOWL PLAY."

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    A NOVEL IN THREE VOLUMES, BY A SMART YOU...

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    COVENT GARDEN PROMENADE CONCERTS.

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    Promenade Concerts may now be looked upo...

• Transcript

  • Note: This text has been automatically extracted via Optical Character Recognition (OCR) software. The text has not been manually corrected and should not be relied on to be an accurate representation of the item.

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    I.--General Principles. My Dear Telemach...

    ¦ say which ing conveys the thing , insinuates that is not , , and but half the delicate deprecates refined the falsehood and graceful you l wish ying to see adopted . It is necessary to remember that lying is admirable , not for its own sake , but for the sake of the advantages it procures ; therefore you must not lie to such an extent as will bring discredit upon you and , when even among there is those a doubt few who as to still utility profess of lies to reprobate you may the even practice tell the ,

    truth—thoug __ h the _¦ less «¦ of _ - _» it . t _ ¦ the . better q __ - _ . Thus __»_ pw when ^ you are introduced _ - - *• 4 to a man you will discover if he is likely to be of use to you . If so you will support his principles , adopt his opinions , and delicately flatter his vanity by professing an ardent admiration for his pursuits and predilections but if notyou will show a generous ardour in opposing them

    with such ; arguments , as you can steal from the general tone of society . In the case of a woman you will , of course , make the flattery or the abuse more strictly personal , and if the latter be necessary it will procure you the advantage of gaining twenty other female friends for the one you lose .

    ~ fc ^^ ^ h ^ B ~^^ y ~^^ r ^ v ^ V w ^^ " ^ . ^ v ~^^ ^ You must flirt of course , and let me implore you not to waste your time in mere inconsequential flirtations . Your efforts should be directed to obtaining more serious results . By constant assiduity , by whispered flattery , by mute attitudes of admiration , by every means in fact , you should endeavour to make one or more girls really fond of you , and

    that in a way that everybody sees and understands it . Having reached this point , you will begin to cool , and what is better you will take an injured air , and treat one of your inamorata to some insolent speeches of as epigrammatic a character as you can manage . Women are such idiots that she will probably be brought thus to believe that she has

    behaved badly to you , while you will gain with society at large the credit of having behaved badly to her , a double result fraught with advantage to you . By following this line of conduct you wilL be able to procure a constant succession of flirtations , and that without the necessity for displaying any qualitiesand a reputation which will give you

    a position j wherever x . v you * __» go ** . ' , *¦ « - » At the same time you must make for yourself an amatory reputation of another sort , and in order to do this you must take care to be seen nodding , as though furtively , to those suspected broughams and convicted toilettes which you will find dotted about the park every afternoon .

    The result of this will be to gain for you the respect of mothers and the wonder of daughters , and to aid you generally in your great work of progress These . few leading axioms you will find sufficient to keep you in the right way , and if you follow them earnestly , exhibit yourself assiduously and carefully eschew the errors of truthjusticeand virtueyou will end

    by being overrated in the desired degree , , and in , becoming , a man about town of the sort which is most desirable for your social interests . And so for the present believe me your sincere friend , Mentor .

    September 28, 1867.3 The Tomahawk. 219

    September 28 , 1867 . 3 THE TOMAHAWK . 219

    "Fowl Play."

    " FOWL PLAY . "

    A Novel In Three Volumes, By A Smart You...

    A NOVEL IN THREE VOLUMES , BY A SMART YOUNG AMAZON IN THE LITERARY RANKS . Volume I . Miss Orderly ' s Secret . Miss O . and Mr . Marchmontthe well-knozun publisher , discovered . ,

    a crime Miss Orderly if possible . . Now , really , I should like to write a novel without If you . Marchmont don ' t pitch into . the Nonsense Decalogue ; you you would are nowhere not be . read , my dear . Miss O . ( with a sigh ) . Well , here goes ! We'll get it over at once . p late re ' written s Philip on Sheldon his face , , the and dentist teeth like , with Carker unsullied 's . snow-shirt , brass sleep Mr . ) . M . Carker ' s ? that ' s one of Charles Reade's is'nt it ? ( Goes to

    Miss O . Not this time . ** Dombey and Son , " you know . ( Writes . ) There ! Beef-tea disagrees with Tom Halliday—with old Nancy—with the young doctor called in too late . So natural ! the dentist who has been accustomed to drawing stumps all his life , bowls Tom out with a bowl of beef-tea , , and calls it _ a " Post ___ -Horn ____ Gallop - _ . ing «_» Consumption 1 . "

    Now for my story . Enter diaries Va , lentine horoscopes HawkeJiurst , and such with like several . Sits down Parish . Registers , inventories , Miss O . Ha , Valentine . Try some Cognac undiluted with soda . How ' s yourself ? Hope you're jolly ?

    Val . Dog-tired , Miss Orderly , I can tell you . I have been steeplechasing through half the parishes in Great Britain and am so bewildered that Matthew I don . Haygarth 't know , whether who demised Rebecca in 1774 Caulfield , or Mrs , wh . Hepzibah o died in Juclson 1727 , , or or the Times Rev or . Goodge the Lancet , or , or Whothedooce the Hue and is heir Cry . to However the advertisement , nous verron in s , I suppose , for though brought upas an errand boy , I have written for low

    A Novel In Three Volumes, By A Smart You...

    Sunday papers , and of course prefer speaking French when I have an opportunity . Miss O . You have worked well and cheaply , travelling all through Yorkshire and the Midland counties for a fiver . Take some more brandy . Philip Sheldon of course married Georgy Halliday .

    Val . Of course , and being unsuccessful as a stump-breaker , became a stock-broker . Entcr Captain Costigan Paget , ivit / i several horoscopes ; diaries , inventories , and Pa / 'ish Registers . Sits down . Capt . Paget . I have been steeple-chasing all over the north after

    Valentine , and egad , I ' ve got the letters . Ye'll only have to double the consonants at the end of every word , and they'll look as like the real thing as I do to Costigan . ; Volume II . j Miss Oacting immediatelon advicewrites a volume of letters about . '

    ., y , "Ye mightty bigg citty ; " " ye publicke getts verry weerry offe ye ; samme , & duzz notte see ye funn offe ye joake . " j Volume III . I > Valentine leaves Diana Paget—an old love , and Charlotte Halliday , a

    new ditto , in London , at Philip Sheldon ' s , and prepares for another \ steeple-chase , ridden by George Sheldon , the Grays Inn Lawyer , i against Costigan Paget , 1 'idden by Phil . SJieldon , of beef-tea celebrity , \ after copious libations of brandy and water . ' — Diana Paget _ ( suggested 00 by ^ Eugenie * s Grandet , and developed - - - - x into ;'

    Jdosa Dartle ) . If I were drowning , he wouldn't stretch out a finger to j save me . j JSnter Charlotte Jfallidayjust , in time to prevent Di faintingb , y pouring \ the dregs of a brandy-bottle betzueen her teeth . j Charlotte . Love him , Di , for my sake . \

    I will Di ( no ovei longer -flouring denounce ) . I loved the him Minerva , dear , Press for my . I own will ; do be not a mother hate me to . j you both . 1 Enter Philip Sheldon , stirring a packet of Thorley ' s condiment into a bcnol of beef-tea . i Phil . Sheldon . Do ; but first witness her signature to her own '

    will . Val Both . : Girls Dear . Mr . Willing Sheldon ly , , how dear I Mr have . Sheldon misinterpreted . ( Enter your Valejitine palpable . ) j ' roguery . ance P . HILIP , " ( aside . ) Wait and if for I don three ' t bring more in volumes , with Miss of " Orderl Charlotte y ' s kind ' s Inherit assist - - | j ancePoisonForgery , Bigamy , and AssassinationI am no Bird of j

    , , , ¦ Prey Mr . . Marchmont ( waking up ) . Well my dear , how far have you ! got since the poisoning with beef-tea . Let me see , is it Foul Play , or ; Rotten Apples , you are at ? ; ^ fear ^ - ^^ ~— ^ Miss H you J H ^ ^ O have ^— ^— . — ¦ V ^— Well ¦ been , you asleep know during you ^—^^ the ' ve most skipped — interesting _ . _ __ the f genealog ^^ h part % — — . ies , and I ^ \ ¦

    Mr . M . What was it ? A plunge down a coal-mine with a re- i turned convict ; or a marriage with a wife ' s sister during the life of the j spouse Miss ? O . Not at all . I've written three volumes since you began j ; to snore , with only the mere shadow of a crime from beginning to end . i En Mr revanche . M . , The you n 'll I have hope to your cram readers the next will three manage with a to double keep amount awake . { . > of jam are ; not and the if woman you don I 't took break fifteen for . out of the ten commandments , j you you

    Covent Garden Promenade Concerts.

    COVENT GARDEN PROMENADE CONCERTS .

    Promenade Concerts May Now Be Looked Upo...

    Promenade Concerts may now be looked upon as accepted institutions in this country . No sooner do the Opera-houses close their 1 large doors , posters and the make singers their repair appearance to lands , fo r the more pur congenial pose of inform climate ing than such ' of the public as choice and necessity compel to remain in town , that ' taken taken Promenade , , and and that tha Concerts t the the entertainments entertainments , on a scale of will will unusual be be devised devised grandeur in in such such , will fashion fashion be under , , that that - jj

    the tastes of all those who thirst for music may be consulted . The ; mind annual , not institutions unnaturall have y , tr sprung avels ; back and we to the must source not grud from ge to whence M . J ullien these , j was is the so ori also justl ginator p y le hi nty s of due o Promenade f that There earn estne Concerts much ss and in soli this the d charlatan de country termin at that in ion him praise which , but which mark there the true artist . In justice to his memory , it should be recorded , that few have rendered such real and lasting service to the cause of music in necessary outrageousl England as dimensions y Jullien embroidered has , let done , it and be ; and remembered the althoug camelias h b in his y his posterity shirts button may that -hole have it was of been un he - who first planted those goodly seeds which have since ripened into the

• Citation
  • Tomahawk (1867-1870), Sept. 28, 1867, page 219, in the Nineteenth-Century Serials Edition (2008; 2018) ncse.ac.uk/periodicals/t/issues/ttw_28091867/page/7/